Emotions are Complicated

28 Aug, 2015

We are legit a week and a half away from the wedding ceremony and just two weeks from the party. Shit is getting real.

It’s getting real in the sense that there are still real tasks and projects that have to be accomplished before this thing can go down the way we both want it to, but it’s also getting real in a hits me right in the feels kind of way. I am basically walking around right now as one big ball of emotions, which is not my favorite way to be. The number of times I’ve had to fight back tears because of a stray thought (sweet or sad) is kind of ridiculous.

Wayne and I are both taking the entire wedding week off of work, to spend time with the amazing people who are going to be here for both events but also to spend time with one another. We are consciously taking the time to be together, to reflect on our relationship and it’s path – the work that got us here and the work that it will take to get us to the next 5 years. All of this reflection has me feeling tender and vulnerable.

From our date night this week.

From our date night this week.

Weddings are hard. There is a lot of pressure (whether real or imagined) to do this thing a certain way and to feel a certain way about it. It’s supposed to be the best day of my life, right? A culmination, an apex – I should feel giddy and beautiful and hopeful and like I’m starting a new chapter. But we aren’t starting anything new are we? We committed to one another a long time ago, we have built a life around that commitment and this is really more of an appropriately timed celebration of that. More importantly, where is the room for the sadness that I feel?

My sister’s birthday is on Sunday and my Wedding is only a week and two days from that and in some moments that is pretty overwhelming. I was really worried at my graduation from my Master’s program that we would have difficulty celebrating a happy moment so soon after we had experienced such a great loss. I felt really guilty about having a big life event and small party and more than a little worried that it would turn into a room full of people crying. Everything was fine then and I’m sure everything will be fine now but I can’t help but feel a small amount of the same feelings. More than that I am just sad. My sister was the one who wanted to be married. My sister would have loved this party and loved to be here for me. My sister would have loved this house and my life, but the truth is I have her to thank for all of it.

So that’s where I am. I am both incredibly happy and terribly sad, in alternating moments. I tear up because I miss my sister but I also tear up because I feel so SO loved right now. I am more than a little excited to celebrate with so many of the people that I love most in the world, tempered by moderate anxiety and worry. All the feels.

<3 Jessa


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